By Grace May
“Do you have any children?”
How can an innocent question from a stranger cause such discomfort?
If I say, “Yes”, they may ask where my children are. Do I say, “Yes, but they’re dead”, and risk making this stranger feel bad or uncomfortable? Or do I say, “No, we don’t have any children” and make myself feel sad?
What is the correct answer? There is none.
I need to accept that our kids are dead. I wake up each morning and get up knowing that my boys are gone. But I must go on. I must keep living with the precious memories of my beloved children.
At first, I had turned to my husband for support, and I tried to fix a marriage that wasn’t even broken. In reality, it was me who was broken, and I was the only one who could fix myself. In the end, I realized that everyone grieves differently, so I would need to grieve in my own way by myself.
It’s very difficult every time someone asks me if I have any kids. It’s just so much easier to say no. Easier for the other person, but not for me.
On our first trip after both of our sons had died, a couple on their honeymoon asked us if we had any kids and we said we did, but then they asked us where our kids were now. So we had to tell them our kids had passed away. It was very awkward.
Two years later, the Marriott timeshare salesman asked if we had any kids, to determine whether we usually traveled as a family. My husband and I just looked at each other and said no. That guy didn’t realize that we had driven all over the country with our two sons in a custom minivan designed to hold both of them in their power wheelchairs. Later on, we were talking about how we also owned a Disney timeshare, so then he said he and his wife enjoyed going to Disney World without kids also. I was silently thinking he doesn’t know that we had bought the Disney timeshare for our sons and took them there eighteen times before they died! I just nervously laughed and said “yeah.”
I loved driving that minivan and all the memories of our road trips with our boys and the luggage
bags piled all around them in their wheelchairs. The next year, when I was finally ready to part with my wheelchair minivan, I got a new car. I don’t remember how it came up, but the lady at the Honda dealer asked if we had any kids, and we said we did but they passed away. I think when strangers start talking about their kids, they try to be friendly and ask if you have any kids. They don’t realize that it is such a difficult subject for parents who have lost a child.
Some of the people close to me don’t like it when I mention that my sons are dead. What? Why can’t I say my kids are dead? Isn’t that a fact? Don’t I have to accept it and keep living my own life now? If I ignore the fact that my children died, would it make them still alive? NO! I am actually keeping the memories of my deceased children alive by talking about them. I will not be silent about my children being dead.
In all honesty, I only brought up my dead kids after somebody kept complaining about their children. They don’t realize how lucky they are. All of their children are still alive. Oh, how I wish I were so lucky.
Given that I’ve learned to accept my reality on my grief journey, I can’t tolerate other people saying things that are not valid. I try to be grateful for all the happy memories we made with our sons. All I have left are the photos and memories.
I’ve worked so very hard these past few years accepting, learning, and improving myself after my children died. I had no choice but to focus on living for myself. I needed to do the inner work just to survive.
So many people just don’t understand. Since they refuse to admit their own issues, they will never grow. Nobody is perfect so we all have things we can improve on. I have my own issues that I am currently working on. The point where I get frustrated is when other people’s issues start to affect me.
My grief journey is not actually all about my dead children. It is about defining my own life and finding peace with it.
“Do you have any children?”
I have grown strong enough to know that whether I choose to answer yes or no, I will be just fine.